New year brings list of promises goals and changes we are determined to make.
But often already after the holidays the motivation disappears and the goals are forgotten.
Why does this happen to us again and again and how can we do it differently this time.
The answer lies not only in the way we set goals but also in our ability to persist recover from setbacks and build stability over time.
Setting goals is a natural part of our need to feel control and direction in life.
The problem is that many of us tend to set goals that are too big too general or not suited to daily reality.
For example this year I will work out every day this year I will start saving or this year I will be calm and will not get angry anymore.
Goals like these may be inspiring for a moment but they are not suited to the person’s resources habits or circumstances.
When the gap between expectation and reality is too big the brain interprets it as failure.
Then frustration appears a drop in motivation and sometimes also feelings of guilt and shame I am weak I have no willpower I am not good enough.
These are very human feelings but it is important to know they do not reflect a personal flaw but an ineffective way of setting goals.
In psychology this is where the concept of mental resilience enters the ability to adapt to challenges return gradually to stable functioning despite setbacks and use emotional and cognitive flexibility in order not to break under them.
Resilience does not mean that difficulty is not felt but that recovery is possible and the path continues.
Friends who sign up for the gym in January and stop coming in March the notebook that stays empty after two days or the extreme diet that breaks already at the holiday meal.
With unrealistic goal predetermines a sense of failure.
In most cases the problem is not the personal ability but the way the goal was defined.
Our brain responds better to small measured and realistic changes that allow an accumulated experience of success.
Neuropsychological studies show that the human brain tends to prefer repetition and habits because they save cognitive resources.
Large changes require increased activation of the prefrontal cortex which is responsible among other things for planning and impulse control a system with limited resources.
In contrast when we succeed in carrying out a small and consistent change the experience of success activates the reward system in the brain and is connected to the release of dopamine which creates a positive cycle that encourages persistence.
From a psychological point of view the holidays offer an excellent framework for personal reflection but also for real change.
Like any social or religious ritual here too there is a deep psychological dimension structure repetition and meaning.
They create a new starting line that helps us feel more secure in the change.
Instead of setting goals that are too big this is an opportunity to choose one small and meaningful thing that will make you feel good.
Four principles for setting goals that last
Small is big it is better to have one small clear goal than a dramatic declaration.
Gradual change that begins with a tiny step.
Instead of deciding I will start running set a goal of putting on sneakers and going outside for ten minutes.
When this action becomes stable and turns into a habit it can develop into full running.
Measurable and clear a good goal is one that can be checked.
For example sleeping half an hour earlier twice a week is much more effective than I will start sleeping early.
Connected to values according to the ACT therapeutic approach change lasts when it is based on internal values and not on social expectation or external pressure.
If one of your core values is family a goal like feeling more present with the kids in the evening will be more meaningful than a general statement like I must use my phone less.
Forgiveness and flexibility many of us tend to black and white thinking the tendency to see things as success or failure.
It is important to adopt a flexible approach.
If you missed one day it does not mean everything is lost.
It is important to look at the process and not only at an immediate result.
Mindfulness practice can also support persistence over time.
Mindfulness is the practice of noticing the present moment without judgment.
When we pay attention to our habits with curiosity and gentleness we are less pulled into the automatic I failed or I have no willpower.
Even one minute a day of focusing on breathing or body sensations can be a simple tool that helps us pause notice what is happening and return to the path we chose.
A small exercise to begin
To make things practical try now choose one small goal for the coming week and write it on a page. Set a reminder in the phone and at the end of the week check did I succeed or not.
The checking itself is already an important step that creates awareness and moves forward.
Small steps like these are not only a way to set a goal but also a tool for building mental resilience over time.
Each small success and each renewed attempt after failure strengthens our ability to adapt recover and continue progressing.
It is your opportunity to be more attentive to ourselves kinder to our weaknesses and take one small step.
Sometimes the smallest change is the one that lasts over time and becomes the most meaningful. Instead of striving for perfection try choosing one small goal you can begin right now. Even if it sounds minor your brain will interpret it as success and that feeling will pave the way for more small steps.